TRANSCRIPT
Hello, my name is Dr. Pig, and I’m a psychiatrist. So I want to share a little experiment I’ve been doing for the past couple of years.
It started after I realized I was just spending too much time listening to my patients go on and on and on about their lives. And then instead, I’d avoid all of that and simply diagnose them and then medicate them based on how they were making me feel.
For instance, if sitting with a patient or even anticipating sitting with a patient made me feel sad or empty or lonely, I would diagnose him with depression and prescribe an antidepressant. And if another patient made me feel stressed out and hogtied, I’d diagnose him with an anxiety disorder and stick him on a benzo.
And if I found another patient driving me nuts, which frankly is all too common these days in psychiatric sessions, then I diagnose them with bipolar or schizophrenia and put them on a mood stabilizer or an antipsychotic, and maybe even both. I just cut through all the BS and follow my feelings. Now, I guess you could say that I use my heightened sense of empathy. It’s as simple as that.
Well, what I’d like to tell you now is the result of my experiment, and this is just between you and me. It’s been fantastic. It’s easy, it’s effective, and it’s quick. I can get a patient in and out of my office in less than five minutes. I can see over 80 patients a day and still take an hour and a half lunch, and it’s all perfectly respectable and billable. Frankly, I bring home more bacon than ever, and I haven’t run into any problems at all, which has helped me realize that I work in a field that has a built-in lack of oversight.
I mean, imagine the joy of working in a profession where you literally cannot make a mistake. Talk about being a pig in [ __ ].