TRANSCRIPT
From what I’ve observed, people often unconsciously choose to have children with partners who are less emotionally healthy than they are. One might wonder why this happens, as it seems logical to choose the most emotionally healthy partner for the sake of the children. However, one significant reason for this choice is that it allows the emotionally healthier partner to assume a position of power within the family dynamic. They can become the dominant emotional force, exerting more control and making more decisions. In their relationship with the child, they can be perceived as the healthy one.
This dynamic becomes particularly evident when problems arise in the relationship. The emotionally healthier parent can manipulate the child more effectively, even turning the child against the less healthy parent. Often, this pattern is established unconsciously long before the relationship becomes unhealthy. The emotionally healthier partner may have chosen their troubled partner specifically to fulfill this role, which is quite disturbing.
I witnessed this in my own childhood. Both of my parents attempted to manipulate me against each other, but my mother was slightly more emotionally healthy than my father. She would subtly undermine him, highlighting his immaturity and bad qualities in hopes that I would align with her. Because she provided me with more love and healthier affection, I became more willing to turn against my father. Unconsciously, my mother was trying to get me to be the parent she never had, seeking my support against what she perceived as the “bad parent.” In this dynamic, I became the good parent in relation to my mother, while my father was cast as the bad parent whom she could belittle and humiliate.
Was my father merely an unwitting victim in this scenario? In some ways, yes, but he was also complicit. He chose my mother not only for her positive qualities but also for her disturbed ones. He felt less threatened by her emotional issues; if she had been healthier, he might have felt called out for his own shortcomings and would have likely run away. This pattern is common: if one partner is healthier, the other may feel intimidated and unable to engage in a healthy partnership, especially one that involves raising children.
Reflecting on comments I’ve received regarding a video I made about estrangement between parents and children, I often hear parents claim, “I didn’t fail my children; it was the other parent who did.” They argue that the “bad parent” turned the children against them, absolving themselves of any responsibility. Yet, I would argue that this perspective is misguided. In my experience as a couples therapist, I have never encountered a partnership where one partner is entirely healthy and the other entirely unhealthy. It takes two to tango, and while one partner may be slightly healthier, both contribute to the relationship’s dynamics.
Choosing an unhealthy partner can serve as a preemptive justification for blaming the other when problems arise. Many parents keep a mental record of their partner’s faults, ready to use it as ammunition if the relationship deteriorates. This tendency often acts as a defense mechanism against self-reflection and confronting one’s own history. It is often easier for individuals to blame their partners than to acknowledge the influence of their own parents.
When relationship issues arise, one partner’s family may side with them, reinforcing the narrative of the “bad” partner. This dynamic allows individuals to avoid confronting their own familial issues. By letting their parents off the hook, they can evade the painful process of self-examination and growth. Blaming a partner can feel more comfortable than facing the reality of one’s own upbringing.
From personal experience, I can attest that acknowledging the flaws of one’s parents can be a painful and terrifying process. As a child, I was aware of many negative traits in my parents but felt unable to confront them. The fear of the emotional fallout kept me from acknowledging these truths until I was older. Many people never reach that stage of independence and instead remain tied to their parents, choosing to blame a flawed partner instead.
I’ve even seen parents who reject their own children, blaming them for issues that stem from their own unresolved parental conflicts. It becomes easier to point fingers at a partner or child than to confront the uncomfortable truths about their own upbringing. This pattern of blame serves as a barrier to personal growth, allowing individuals to remain stuck in a cycle of denial and avoidance.