TRANSCRIPT
So how do we make friends? I’ve actually had quite a few people ask me that. I think the most important thing, first of all, is that we have to be friends with ourself. I have to be friends with me. I have to really find love inside myself for me, and I have to treat myself with a lot of love and a lot of respect. By doing that, I give other people a model for how to treat me, and by doing that, I give myself a model for how to treat other people.
So basically, if I treat myself in a really loving, caring, gentle, listening, respectful way, I can actually do that for other people too. I can listen to them. I can care about them. I can honor what’s important to them. I can see the beautiful inner self that they have, and I can respect that. I can acknowledge it.
So basically, the main way as an adult that I’ve learned how to make friends is by treating people the way that I like to treat myself. And I’ve gotten pretty good at treating myself that way. A lot of my self-therapy, a lot of my self-healing process has been to love myself more, and through that, yeah, I’ve been able to extend it to other people.
Now another thing in being able to find friends is putting myself out there. Because if I stay inside all the time, if I stay isolated, I really don’t meet people, and I really have no possibility of making friends. So how do I put myself out there? How do I get myself out into the world so I can actually meet people?
The first thing is finding healthy environments. I heard a friend of mine say it once about 20 years ago, and it really stuck with me. It’s, you meet really healthy people in really healthy contexts. So if I’m gonna go to really unhealthy, troubling places, who am I gonna likely meet? Unhealthy, troubling people. So I have to go to healthy places. Am I gonna meet really good friends at two o’clock in the morning in a bar drinking? Chances are not.
So for me, I haven’t really spent a lot of time hanging out in environments that are particularly unhealthy. More, I spent time hanging out in environments that are healthy. Now granted, one of my things that can make it a little tough to meet a lot of people is that part of my healing process has been that I’ve spent a lot of time alone. I really spent a lot of time with me, loving me. So really, yes, my main friend in my life is me. But also, I do need more than just me. Just me gets a little bit lonely, gets a little bit isolating, and it’s a little bit exhausting. I need more interaction.
So yeah, getting out in the world, I have met a lot of people when I travel. I made a lot of friends when I’m traveling because when I’m traveling and I’m out in the world, I can be very open, and I put a lot of effort into really openly treating people that I just meet with the same degree of love, or at least close to it, that I treat myself. And that really tends to work. People really like someone who actually is really curious about them, really interested in them, really listens really, really hard to what they’re saying, really actually gives a lot of attention.
And I’ve noticed that in the world, a lot of people actually don’t really take me in or take anybody in that much. They’re very self-absorbed in a way. Now, I don’t think it’s necessarily bad for me to be self-absorbed when I’m alone, but when I’m interacting with other people, self-absorption is not a very good quality for making friends. So instead, it’s like being very open and really listening, and people seem to respond very, very well to being listened to. It’s like a basic way to show caring.
I’ve also noticed that in the reverse. When I’m around people who have a real gift for listening, who can really take me in in a deep way, I feel loved. I feel cared about. And what’s my natural reaction? I want to spend more time with that person. That’s someone who I really like. When I feel like someone’s not judging me or criticizing me or wanting to argue with me or wanting to constantly cut in, it’s like, now does that mean that in a friendship I should spend all my time listening and the other person should spend all that time talking? No.
What I find that I really like in friendships is someone who does pretty much as much listening to me as I do to them. And that makes it really mutual, and that makes for a really nice friendship where there’s a lot of mutuality. It’s like there’s a lot of give-and-take, and that to me is very special and important.
So what else about how to get out into the world? Where to go? Where to meet special people? I actually strangely have met a lot of people through the internet because now we have this incredible medium. You can actually share a lot about yourself, a lot about your thoughts, a lot about your ideas, your personality, who you are, your philosophy through the internet, and you can find other people who have similar ideas.
One way, yeah, has been through sharing myself through things like this, through this video and through some of the movies that I’ve made and my writings and things like that. But also through finding other people who write really good things and make videos that I find really interesting because it’s a chance to really scan a lot of people and to see who am I drawn to. And some of those people I’ve actually become friends with, and some people, yeah, who found me over the years on the internet by different good opportunities, I’ve become friends with them.
Now a big problem is a lot of people are in totally different places, and often it’s not so satisfying for me to have friendships that are just virtual friendships over the internet. I really much prefer to actually spend physical time with people face-to-face. I like that a lot more. I find that much more fulfilling.
Another thing is through putting myself out there by trying new things, by taking risks. By traveling, for me, is really in line with that. It’s taking a risk and getting out into the world and just meeting people who I wouldn’t otherwise meet, but often finding myself in environments that actually are fairly healthy and meeting really wonderful people.
I’ve actually met some really lovely people through couchsurfing, couchsurfing.org. I tried that and had some great people. And doing different activities, I made some really good friends learning how to surf in Brazil or hitchhiking. Actually, surprisingly, I met some wonderful people hitchhiking. Or maybe it actually isn’t such a surprise because a lot of times the people who pull over to help hitchhikers are the most caring, loving, gentle, giving, generous people out there. So I’ve met some good friends that way.
I’ve met some good friends through my work. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people through my movies, through doing film screenings that I had. And what I’m hoping is that as my life goes on, I’m gonna meet a lot more wonderful people. As I grow, as I become even more myself, I’m going to meet more good, new, honest, open, caring, self-loving, growing people.
[Music]